Women are more likely to regret casual sex than men.Let’s think about this topic through the lens of men sleeping around first, because I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve discovered some interesting information.Before you can stop choosing men who aren’t good for you, you need to figure out why you’re attracted to them in the first place.
Most times it is not just bad luck that steers women to the wrong man time and time again,” writes Lynn Norment in Why Some Women Choose the Wrong Man Time and Time and Time Again. “Sometimes the pattern of loser-lovers is indicative of a deeper, more serious flaw in the woman’s personality or character. Or the problem may stem from the woman’s family history. And it usually is rooted in lack of self-esteem and self-love. In addition, far too many women blindly get involved with man after man without stopping to assess what went wrong in previous relationships.”
What do you suppose men sacrifice when they sleep around a lot?
A committed relationship? Maybe.
A good reputation?
Yes, men can jeopardise their future potential to have a high value mate through perpetual promiscuity. But more importantly – what, on a reproductive/biological level, do men sacrifice?
They sacrifice quality.
And that’s quality of the women. I recommend you check off before you sleep with him to make sure you manage the expectations of your new love interest:
- GET TO KNOW HIM FIRST: Before you sleep with him you should make sure you can answer the following things about him. His middle name, how many siblings he has and at least 3 of his friend’s names. I don’t suggest you ask him these questions directly either. That would mean you are cheating. You need to have spent enough time with him to be able to get this information off him without soliciting the info to be able to say you have had sufficient conversation and time with him and that he has opened up about himself to you. He should be able to tell you same about yourself and then you know you are on your way to becoming friends with this person.
- MEET HIS FRIENDS: Have you met any of his friends yet and by meeting them I mean spent time with him and his friends in a social setting. Observe what kind of friends he keeps – don’t forget our friends are a reflection of who we are. Also notice how he interacts with them. It’s a good indication of how he manages his relationships with people.
- FAMILY TIES: It would be great to see him in his family setting and see how he treats his parents and siblings. Even if he does not take you to meet his family yet try and observe how he teats his family members especially his mother. Is he kind, considerate or rude to them? Watch and learn, it’s a preview to how he will eventually treat you.
- THE HELP: How people treat people who serve them is very insightful to what sort of people they are (you may have to give some leeway to this rule if you are observing interactions with Nigerian waiters, drivers or maids who only comply with abuse). If your man seems to be unnecessarily rude to service people or people he considers beneath himself again it’s a preview to the treatment that awaits you.
- HAVE BRAIN SEX FIRST: After a while when physical attraction starts to fade in your relationship you are going to have to have a lot of brain sex with your partner to make sure you remain on the same page. So check out your intellectual compatibility before you jump in the sex with this person. There is no point in sleeping with someone whose grammar, political views or sense of reasoning is on another planet from yours.
- HAVE AN ARGUMENT: I’m not advising you go around picking fights with your intended before you sleep with him but it would really help you know what sort of person you are considering sleeping with if you are able to see how they handle arguments. Arguments are not pleasant but if you are with someone who has a good ability to resolve issues and not fight dirty I think you are onto a good start.
- KNOW WHAT YOU WANT? : ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ most important question in life. What do you want? If you identify what you want and not lose sight of your desired outcome I assure you that you will be more strategic about how you go about getting it. Decide up front what you want from this “friend-lationship” and figure out what he wants. Don’t ask him what he wants chances are that he will either tell you what you want to hear but may not mean or tell you what you don’t want to hear! Study him, does he ask you out on dates, call you regularly and consistently, invite you to go to events with him? If so he is probably on the market for a girlfriend. If on the other hand he does not want to account for his time, is too busy and only sees you at his convenience then I think it’s fair to file this guy under ‘fun and free’ and it’s up to you to decide if you want to sleep with someone who only wants a causal relationship.
- MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY STABLE: Yeah I know … the sharp increase in single, suited and stark raving mad men out there is alarming…. but the longer you take to know him before you sleep with them the better your chances of not catching any PSTDs (psychological stressfully transmitted diseases)!
- YOU CALL THE SHOTS: When and if you decide to sleep with him, you should totally be your decision. Don’t feel pressured, manipulated or bullied into sleeping with him. If he is a man worth your time and body by now he should have gotten you to a place where you can’t to give it up. If he is not then he will make it a chore that you feel you need to do just to move the relationship to the next level. Don’t fall for it. In my experience the men that ‘rush’ women to have sex with them are men who have nothing to offer and they need to rush you into sleeping with them before you realise he has nothing worthwhile to offer you!
- BE SAFE: Make sure you have protected sex. The most common type of protected sex is with a condom and its good practice to always use one. The other way to protect yourself when you have sex is to have a ‘no camera or camcorder policy’. Don’t let anyone trick you into spicing things up with a camera or recorder – it will only end in tears!
Dangers of sleeping around
Promiscuity among young people is causing an rise in sexually
transmitted diseases, risking both their health and their fertility.
Official figures reveal that the prevalence of the infections has risen
sharply among teenagers over the past year.
Public health experts warned yesterday that many youngsters are becoming
complacent about safe sex and may suffer infertility and health problems as a
The biggest rise in all sexually transmitted diseases is in the 15 to 19 age
This suggests that Britain is nurturing a generation of reckless teenagers
who are regularly indulging in unprotected sex.
Doctors at a leading genitourinary medicine clinic revealed they were
treating the same boys and girls up to five times as health advice was
Gonorrhea, which may be accompanied by a host of unpleasant symptoms, also
poses a threat to fertility by damaging a woman’s fallopian tubes.
It can also increase the likelihood of ectopic pregnancies and potentially
life-threatening complications in pregnancy.
Babies can also pick up the infection, which is treatable with antibiotics.
Incidence of the disease has risen by nearly 40 per cent among teenage boys and 24 per cent among teenage
Provisional statistics from the Public Health Laboratory Service revealed
that cases of gonorrhea rose by 25 per cent across all age groups in England
last year, with more than 15,570 sufferers.
However, the true picture may be much worse as experts say up to 80 per cent
of female carriers may not realise they have contracted the illness.
Chlamydia, often referred to as the ‘silent disease’ because it is largely
symptomless has doubled in prevalence since New cases of chlamydia, which
causes the pelvic inflammatory disease that may result in
infertility if left untreated, rose by 16 per cent last year, meaning there
where more than 51,000 recorded cases.
Rates of chlamydia increased by 23 per cent among boys aged 16-19 and by a
fifth among teenage girls.
Promiscuous behaviour is rife among young men and women in the South-East,
North-West, West Midlands and South-West, figures revealed. The largest
increase in sexual diseases was seen in those areas.
Dr Kevin Fenton, of the PHLS Communicable Disease Surveillance Centre, said:
‘These trends are worrying, and clearly indicate that safer sex is not being
‘We cannot afford to be complacent about safer sex, and it is vital that
prevention messages are delivered to those at risk.
‘Young people are particularly vulnerable, as many are beginning at very young
ages, and powerfully endorse the view that parents should and can take the
responsibility for helping their children towards an understanding of sex.
Identify Your Pattern
We don’t always fall for someone simply because their positive qualities compliment our own but also because their negative traits fit ours so well. Therefore, the first thing to do when entering into a relationship (or improving one, for that matter) is to take a look at yourself and at the history of your relationships. What are the qualities that you typically look for in a partner? Are there certain negative qualities that always seem to show up and eventually drive you crazy? Do you have a pattern of choosing a person with specific traits, only to end up dissatisfied with them? Do your relationships seem to always break up for the same reasons?
Once you recognize a pattern, you have something that you can work with. By figuring out how you go about ending up with the same objectionable partner in every relationship, you will know what to do to break this cycle. With each choice you make and action you take in a relationship, it’s important to have a good sense of what is operating within you that’s motivating your behavior.
When it comes to love, it is advisable to not only go into it with your heart; but to go into it with your head. That way, instead of automatically selecting the same type of person for the same negative traits, you can try selecting a partner who is entirely different. For instance, if you grew up feeling invisible or ignored, you may avoid someone who shows a real interest in you. Instead, you may feel more attracted to someone who is distant or withholding of affection.
You can consciously decide to be open to the possibility of being with someone who is different from the people you typically choose, for example, someone who expresses a strong attraction to you. This change will most likely cause you to feel somewhat ambivalent. However, because you have identified your pattern, you can be aware of the negative factors influencing your decision. Perhaps your disinterest in this person may be largely motivated by the very interest that he/she is showing in you.
When you consciously choose to break a pattern, you can establish a better relationship with a better, albeit unfamiliar, outcome. If you hang in there, and give this out-of-the-ordinary person a chance, you can become accustomed to this out-of-the-ordinary relationship. Yours could be one of those stories of friends who fall in love or unlikely seeming couples who live happily together.
If you are in a relationship, and you recognize that it is heading toward the same negative outcome as past relationships, you can stop the momentum and avoid another tragic ending. You and your partner are most likely collaborating in creating the negative dynamics in your relationship. Not only is he/she the same kind of person you always end up with, it is most likely that you are the same kind of person he/she ends up with, too. Even though there are real qualities we love and admire in the people we choose to become romantically involved with, we must consider that each of us is also making sure that the negative baggage we each carry fits nicely into one another’s undeveloped emotional compartments.
Talk with your partner about how your patterns of relating fit together and about how you may be playing out dynamics from your pasts with each other. As you discuss how they play out in your relationship, you will each have ideas of behaviors you can challenge and recognize that your relationship is not doomed. Remember that, in any relationship, you are going to face your own limitations as well as those of another human being. The better you know yourself and your partner knows him/herself, the stronger you will both be in dealing with these limitations. You can both evolve and grow in the relationship. As you each challenge yourselves and give up your old negative identities, you will discover new aspects of yourself and of your partner.
Listen to Your Friends
A helpful way of determining whether a strong attraction or a lack of interest is based on your true state of mind or elements of your past is to trust your friends. They tend to be much more objective about you. A friend of mine turned down her now-boyfriend for a full year because, according to her, he just wasn’t her type. When her friends met him, they were struck by what a nice guy he was and by how much he liked her. They encouraged her to be more open-minded and give him a chance. She decided to trust their advice, and accepted a date with him. This move turned out to be the biggest hurdle in her relationship; from there she went on to develop a relationship that was meaningful and loving.
Don’t Listen to Your Inner Coach
You can stop paying attention to the inner coach that predicts a negative outcome for your relationship, and promotes a negative view of you and your partner. You can ignore it when it is critical of you and when it distorts and exaggerates any of your partner’s shortcomings. This negative way of thinking, or “critical inner voice,” directs us to recreate the emotional environment we grew up in. If, as children, we were neglected, it warns us that we are going to be rejected. If we were intruded on, it tells us that a loved one is demanding of us. In almost no area is this coach as loud or tough on us than in our intimate relationships.
Think of your inner coach as an old dialogue that was scripted in your past and plays out in your current life. The goal of this voice is maintain a comfortable and familiar, yet highly negative view of yourself and your partner. Even when you’re with a partner you like, your inner critic operates to push them away, a topic I covered in the blog, “It’s Not You, It’s Me: The Truth Behind the Excuse.” By challenging your inner coach, you can maintain an objective and compassionate view of you and your partner.
One friend of mine tends to choose men who are financially unstable and literally need to be supported. At one point she told me, “I’ve never been with a man who paid his taxes!” She describes herself as a “Daddy’s Girl” who idealized her father. Her father instilled in her the importance of working and taking care of herself, despite the fact that he went bankrupt several times and even served time in jail for tax evasion. To break her pattern of choosing financially dependent men, my friend began dating someone who had a successful career, and was kind and generous to her.
She was enjoying their relationship, but at times she found herself having intensely critical thoughts. “What are you doing with this creep? He’s doting on you now but what good are you to him? He’ll probably get tired of you and leave you.” Her inner critic ridiculed her relationship and tore her boyfriend down. Fortunately, she used her friends as a sounding board and listened when they told her that her attacks on herself and criticisms of her boyfriend were ridiculous. She chose to ignore her inner critic and took advantage of the opportunity to develop a relationship that is characterized by mutual respect, appreciation and love for one another.
Hang In There
Change takes work and time, so be patient and hang in there. Personal change also benefits from support. There is so much to sort through in trying to understand the dynamics in a relationship. First there is what each person is bringing to the union, and then there is what is at play between them as a couple. That is why therapy is helpful for people who are challenging themselves and wanting to create better relationships.
It is possible to achieve this goal on your own but it is advisable to accept all the help you can get from friends and family members as well as from a therapist. Giving up on being able to have a close relationship is a terrible solution; it guarantees that you will never get what you want. You are siding with a critical inner voice that you don’t deserve anything or you don’t need anyone in your life. Aligning yourself with this cynical self-protective process is a form of self-denial that limits your life. It is better to love and get hurt than to never love at all. When you hang in there and challenge your pattern of negative relationships, you will be rewarded by getting to know yourself and your partner in a new way, in the context of a loving and meaningful relationship.
How to Stop Choosing Men Who Aren’t Good for You
“I’m starting to think I’m ‘unlovable,’” says C. “I see happy couples and friends who are getting engaged and married and I just want to know, why not me? What’s so wrong with me that someone can’t love me that much? I would like to know how I can learn to be happy being alone and how to have my guard up next time. Every relationship I give 100% of my heart and I want to learn how to protect myself from this happening again.
Set your intention for your life and your future relationships
What do you want out of life? What kind of woman do you want to be? Who do you want to be with? How can you become emotionally, spiritually, and physically stronger?
To successfully set your intention for your future, you need to stop focusing on the reasons why you keep choosing the wrong men. Instead, focus on that which you want to create in your life – because your thoughts become things. If you want to be happy being alone, learn how to be happy being alone. If you want to learn how to choose better men and relationships, then dive into that.